February 27, 2014

Licensed to Eww

"I'm not crazy, you're the one that's crazy."
Brought to you by Black Velvet Flag's cover of
"Institutionalized" recorded at CBGB's (1994).

Why can't everything I like align properly? But seriously. I have a problem when I try to update my outer wardrobe as much as I do what's underneath. Certain *ahem* things just get in the way. I'm not even talking about my boobs--they're doing everything right. The problem can come right down to the designs on a garment which would look totally fine on someone with a smaller sized chest.

My adoring love for Yellow witnessed in the likes of Cleo GeorgeLucy and Freya Sunset Boulevard makes me happy. Even in the midst of Winter I want to cover myself with the sunshine color.

Recently I found myself at the Brooklyn Industries store on Broadway and after a quick stroll spotted a pretty yellow sweater to try on ...which ended in hexagonal horror.

This beautifully designed sweater just couldn't be more intentionally booby if it tried. Had the pattern been set a little up or down it could have worked on more curvy women including myself. If the nice little pair of of circular patterns weren't dead set right on the bust line I think it could have maybe been worn and loved. Oh, how those dreams went starburst.

How it looked with a 30G bra underneath:

I'm not alone on this either. The solo online review (at current time of writing this post) says it all from a supposed "34B" wearing a size Small. I reckon she's much closer to my size because I'm also wearing a Small in the photos above.

While I disagree with "Dori" on the color (it's basically Mustard Yellow) we are both in the same boat when it comes everything else.

It's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to unwearable fashion that drives me crazy and registers on
my no fly list.

Some of the other offensive culprits? Handbags with pairs of awful, gaudy pockets reminiscent of your own handbags.

Awful East-West pointing button-nipples.
Do I really need four nipples? -- This dress would've
done well to have left off the extra buttons because
the pockets are small enough to be dainty.

And let's remember some of the worst offenders of them all: pants butt pockets with adornments too unbelievable they hurt mine eyes! Now, I love a good denim metal button and even find men's vertical button fly perfectly acceptable. When you place a pair on back pockets it's far too nipplesque and ruins an otherwise good pair of dungarees (my mom would be so proud to hear my use of that word).

Leave your pocketful of taste at the door:
True Religion's "Signature Embroidery".
Up close & way too personal: Yes, I'll have
another pair of breasts on my buttocks.
I'm well aware we live in a breast-obsessed society but I just believe fashion goes too far sometimes into really icky territory. Check out my new Pinterest Boards dedicated to this topic:

What are some of the most irritating faux-bras in your opinion?

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